husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. At work? It got dark on my (2-hour!) Dont engage with his arguments. Your friend is a wise woman. Id love to see a red flag exercise at Nellis AFB. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. Learning new response skills can only help her overall situation. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. Might need to go back. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. In *that* sense, I think there can be a legit question about when you can gracefully bow out of a work trip, and when you have to stick it out and go. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) I think thats reasonable. Thats kind of hilarious because my ex was super upset the first time I went to Utah (current spouses family lives there), because he thought Id let our daughter be kidnapped by polygamists. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. Ive been to far more dangerous places. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. This. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. Vegas! Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. He will tell me if something is wrong as I will. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. I agree. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. Ment would not. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Ill wait. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Once when I ended things with a guy Id been dating, he called me a few days later and said hed taken a poll of his friends and they all agreed I didnt have real cause to break up with him so we should resume things. He needs to get help and you need to do whats best for you and your career (and your sanity!). And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. Roller coasters! Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. What is wrong with people? I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? First, it doesnt workanxiety will inevitably find things to be anxious about, ultimatelyand second, its not reasonable or feasible to ask someone to do that. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. I got friend walks with doggo once a week to give myself what I needed while respecting that my husband didn't " I don't want to travel the world with you to film weddings and turn ever work trip . Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. Thats fine! Tell him to get over himself. Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. He just says everybody so that it will give weight to his selfish wants. is a really good sign! A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. Maybe Im wrong. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. I bet youll have fun. But theres no letting about it. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. He can see how boring Vegas really is. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. I have anxiety disorder and I do worry excessively (one time to the point of a panic attack) when my husband travels for work, but thats on me to manage. Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Main Menu Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. There are so many things that could be gong on here. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? Hee! Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. 5. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. Is he anxious about everything, or just the fact that youre going to vegas? He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. Yeah, my cousin isnt allowed to travel without her husband. Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. It has helped me also to understand where that response came from not just the ex baggage, but early childhood experiences damaged his basic trust, which he is working on. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. Sure within reason. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. Your absence is the absence of any possible reward for his behaviour. I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. and I was gutted. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Flights and hotels are cheap, because of the focus on tourists everything is really convenient for travelers, the food is good, there are great conference facilities. Holy smokes. LW, my husband would be honestly fine with me going to Vegas. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. I had no problem with it. It doesnt have to be automatically a negative-value-weighted word (which is admittedly hard for me to do because of my own bad background with a controlling culture and religion) but on the flip-side, I think we should not give cultural differences veto power to prevent us from calling out specific and tally-able patterns of behaviors that some people see as personal red flags or interpersonal deal-breakers. You sound like a real piece of work. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. If I got raped on travel, Id still be the same person when I came home; its an injury and itd make some things inconvenient, its unpleasant to think about, Id need to get STD tests before we were intimate again, and Id need some hugs from him once I got home, but getting raped is not the end of the world. I don't think it won't be that bad though. Thanks! Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. I agree with you on the personal deal-breakers, but thats not the discourse thats going on here at the moment. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) What other people? This. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. The touristy gloss. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. I have one. But no gambling! The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. While she comes back with great stories of what she saw people doing, shes never felt in danger or anything like that. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. Sorry about the side note. I ALWAYS wonder in these cases if the guy actually did do this, or is just saying that he did to bolster his own stance. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. I mean, she could get kidnapped! We live a block away from a grocery store. Youre obviously free to disagree, but I think its archaic and not okay. Exactly this. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. Funny, random story (OP, do not tell your husband this), one of my husbands coworkers met his wife while they were both on trips in Vegas. Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. (I would be in the back with the baby and my older daughter). P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. Iam lost. M.M. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Do you want to go? :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. And when she called home she was mean to me and I noticed she fixed her hair differently and she looked very happy. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. If youre happier and more successful without him, and what he brings to the table isnt enough anymore, its okay to opt out. Should I never go anywhere? When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Thats what I was thinking. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! This is more his problem than yours. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. Thanks. He made her upset the entire trip last time. Which update is that? Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. OP, I feel for you and your husband. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. Scheduled calls keep him more relaxed. Him: I ignored it. He does that three to four times a year. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! And added to that: if the husband doesnt believe its his issue, hes not likely to be willing to do the work of finding a therapist and getting therapy. Yup. Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. Youre adults. Your husband is being unreasonable. Counseling is the best and most realistic option for helping him get into a healthy head space. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. You say youre the breadwinner. The OP should do both. At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. My mom too! The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. And no matter what, go on the trip. I ate at the bars of a few nice restaurants. Your husband seems to think he has a say in whether he lets you go. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. They have PUDDING, OP. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. They live there with partners and children, even! I agree with your husband .. Super reasonable! The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. Dont choke or burn yourself! People women, even! Anywhere in the USA or abroad. My mom is the same way. I lounge by the pool, eat really good food, order wines not available in my area. Its really hard to say without getting into his mind. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Those were a big hit. Hope youre all right, OP. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. Yeah the strip can be crazy but so can Disney World. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Not necessarily. By letting him chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with male colleagues, in public, etc. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation).

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